Introduction
There is a spiritual dimension to every relationship, no matter what its origins, whether it is acknowledged as spiritual or not. Two people come together because Spirit wants them together.
– Sobanfu Some, The Spirit of Intimacy
Last month we touched on self transformation and the usefulness of being impeccable with our word as co-creators of our reality. This second installment for the “new year, new me” blog series includes on one level, the usefulness of being cognizant of who we surround ourselves with, and on another level how we choose to relate and connect with ideas, people, things and places that are meant to help us evolve and become anew.
As relational beings, we may love him/her or hate him/her, but we cannot stop ourselves from making human connections. Ubuntu, through the aphorism “I am because we are” represents a shared humanness, an interconnectedness and oneness where the rules of engagement respect all life. We see ourselves in everything, and help each other ‘human’ and thrive on earth together. I like the description given in Personal Growth African Style, where the authors say, “it is through others, that one attains selfhood”. In further describing Ubuntu, Tutu says that we become human through relationships. A baby sees how to be human by watching other humans around it. Newborns have an incredible ability to absorb everything in their environment as their brains grow. On our path of self transformation, as we lead our journey of being ‘born anew’ like babies are, it would then also be useful to scan, heal, and/or update the relationships we are keeping.
Sacred partnership is the art of forming and experiencing relationships with others from a place that honors the sacred in yourself and others.
We can have sacred partnerships with our bodies, certain places, practices, kids/pets and so forth, extending this type of relationship beyond the romantic sense. This article unpacks the art of relationships as a sacred path, sacredness, the four pillars of sacred partnership, and the new rules of engagement as we self-transform.
Intimacy, Relationships, and Ubuntu
Relationships as a sacred path create the intimacy which carries the wisdom we need from the collective, to recreate ourselves for the betterment of ourselves as individuals, our spouses, kids, teams, and broader community. All relationships are sacred. The people we meet carry important lessons that help us grow. They are potential sacred partners. However, not all relationships can get to experience its sacredness if one or both parties involved are not aware, willing, courageous or committed to experiencing it in that way. Due to past childhood traumas, previous heartbreak, betrayal, or disappointments, we tend to sabotage the sacredness of the relationships in our lives. It has become difficult to fully trust people in relationships, let alone bring them into our sacred spaces.
Engaging in relationships as a sacred path therefore takes intentionality. While sacred partnerships feel good to the soul, its romance may not be made up of just roses, nice dates, and cute butterflies in the stomach vibes.
Overall, the romance of sacred partnership feels more safe, wholesome, and meaningful to your journey as an individual as much as it does for the partnership. It is a high vibrational relationship that still requires inner work, and inspires both parties to become their truest selves.
Holding all relationships together is a community that practices ubuntu. An understanding of ubuntu sets the tone for sacred partnership. Through ubuntu, we understand that the ancient African view of personhood is within community. The summary “Ί am because we are; and since we are, therefore I am” (Meaning: Ego sum quia sumus; et quia sumus, ergo sum), was made by Mbiti (1969, p108) in attempts to capture the intimacy between self and others, self and creation, and self and the Creator.
Award-winning author Sobanfu Some writes; Intimacy is “the song of spirit” and community is the divine orchestration that sustains the melody. Community is vital to our own self transformation journey and for living in our purpose. Some continues to say,
It is the place where the spirit of each person can contribute their gifts. If gifts are not provided, the community dies. And if the community dies, the individual is left without a place to contribute. It is an ongoing cycle of reciprocity.
This implies that none of us comes into the world fully formed; we will always need “others.” The role of relationships in self transformation is massive. If we allow them, all relationships are here to teach us something, they are a part of ourselves that we share with others.
The author continues to show how rituals of renewal and cleansing are necessary to nourish a partnership. This suggests that as we heal, rediscover, and recreate ourselves, we also heal the people we choose to love, take care of, and/or co-create with. Just as hurt people hurt people, healed people, heal people just by how they engage in relationship with themselves and the world around them. In your community, sacred partners are not only your spouses or immediate family, there is sacred partnership potential with extended family members, friends, teachers or mentors, business partners, neighbors, Linkedin contacts and that one colleague who you totally kick ass with at work because you just get each other.
Feel like you have a few sacred partners? I know I’ve had a few come in and out of my life for key events. Let’s unpack it further…
Defining sacredness, knowing your point of attraction
The relationship you have with yourself is the mother of all relationships you create. From the previous article, if we consider ourselves as energy beings, we also understand that we will naturally resonate with all that which is like us. As the saying goes, birds of the same kind flock together.
Your sacredness is your core, your place of chi (umsamo onguwena) and is the most powerful point of attracting everything that will help us be who we are meant to be.
Sacredness refers to all that which is holy to us, and worthy of honor, awe and respect. It is a place within us that is as regarded with reverence as would a church for believers, sportsground for true sportsmen, or kitchen for chefs. We all have different things that vibrate on our sacred frequency that we are naturally attracted to, just like some would appreciate one radio station over another.
Life can start ‘lifing’ sometimes as we can go through experiences that make us lose ourselves and our way. The journey of self recreation/ transformation is an opportunity to learn how to locate our true selves when we get lost and to how to ground and anchor our own sacred frequency. What do you consider sacred? What does it feel like inside of you? What does it look like, taste and sound like in another? Once we are able to answer and live in a way that honors this, the sacred partnerships we subsequently build reflects the coherence and harmony with our own sacredness. For example, in business, sacred partners can be attracted to each other because they share and are intentional about living out a respect for their craft, sustainability, Africa, science, shared abundance, integrity, and joy in how they add value and make money together.
To fully experience sacred partnership, it is paramount that these shared ideals are observable in decision making and leadership, in action, and as an authentic part of who the person is. In fact, this is how your sacred partner match finds you – you being the ‘youest’ you.
This means that sacredness and the truth of who you are, go hand in hand. Sacred partnership is the foundation of relational beings who have committed to anchoring heaven on earth through how they engage with people, places, ideas, and things. A sacred partner holds the question and attitude “how may I serve you, beloved?”, and the other partner open, receptive and in gratitude saying the same.
The four pillars of sacred partnerships
While these suggested four pillars do not aim to cover all the elements of sacred partnership, it is a synthesis of four key fundamentals that I’ve found useful. Pillar one – there is an undeniable harmonic resonance and attraction between you. Two – you are both pure in heart and healing to each other. Three – you are purpose partners that help the other be who they are meant to be. And four – there is a shared maturity & resilience for personal growth.
You have an undeniable attraction between you.
People who are ready for sacred partnership vibrate at the same high frequency ranges of love, joy, peace, and enlightenment. When healthy, the energetic calibration between them is expansive, and sits at the frequency range of 500+ hertz on Hawkins Map of Consciousness. People living within these high frequencies (who are “high vibe”), live in a predominant state of agape love and sacred oneness. We do not have to work hard to form a deep connection with our sacred partners, because as they enter our lives, a big part of us recognizes them as familiar in some way. It may be in the resonance of their voice, their vocabulary and how they express themselves might spark a resemblance, a slight look or grin, a shared purpose (or things they are passionate about). Their sight on this planet makes you marvel, and continues to stir a life-giving curiosity in you, because you both share and have tasted the Oneness and sacredness of life.
Your connection with your sacred partners is undeniable. And no, as we have stated above, not all sacred partners are sexual in nature. One of my sacred partners is my older mentor and research supervisor. We both love academia and discourse, we care about impacting healthcare, we can not talk for months and then talk for hours – meandering all important life topics, when we work together, we achieve incredible outcomes which are crucial to our individual life paths, we can be very honest with each other (even when its hard), and always hold space for wanting the best for each other.
Sacred partnership can feel illusive in today’s world where the rules of engagement have been stripped of trust, authenticity, and the belief that I can be myself and be fully accepted. So when sacred partners tune into each other, it is a shock to the system. To begin this type of partnership is to acknowledge something bizarre, yet undeniable; an attraction that cannot be fully explained. In the beginning, this shock to the system might instigate mirroring and triggering as we default to our self sabotaging tendencies of
- putting on a mask – “I wont allow them to see the true me”,
- self-preserving – “Let me hurt or duck first before they do”,
- being stuck at blame – “It’s not you, it’s me or… it really is their fault”,
- allowing the imposter to win – “This cannot be real, this good, and be for me”.
The attraction between sacred partners is a bond at a heart level. The attraction has access to our deepest traumas and our deepest dreams. Greater coherence and growth is achieved on the other side of working through the triggers, but this requires both parties doing the inner work to rewrite their story about their relationship with humanity. For example, a businessman who might have been denied numerous investor opportunities in the past, may find it more difficult to believe in ever getting the right investors. They may start believing that all investors care about quick financial returns and less about creating holistic value, overtime. It is at this critical juncture that we should not let the outside world blow out the flame inside of us. When we continue to hold the light for what is true and desirable for us, we fuel this inner flame so that it is a powerful attraction point for all that feels like it.
Then one day, boom, almost like magic, a sacred partner who feels like home, waltzes in with a heavenly business deal, and life would never be the same.
And right from the start, sacred partnership asks us; “After all of life’s disappointments in the past, can you trust me enough to create a home for us in you?” This first pillar of sacred partnership is familiar to all of us at some points of our lives. It is the T junction of resonating deeply with another being, a place, an object of our desire and deciding if we are to run towards it or in the other direction.
You are both pure in heart and healing to each other
Connection between sacred partners is open and honest because your sacred partner tends to pull you towards engaging them with integrity. There is a genuine love and appreciation of each other’s presence in the world that springs from a place none of you can fully locate. There is a gentleness in approach that makes sacred partners vulnerable with each other. They have access to parts of you that most people do not. This gift of shared vulnerability helps to let down our usual guards, and release forms of judgment, resentment, blockages and fear from the heart space.
There is a mutual understanding, acceptance, and consistency at a fundamental level that disarms you and “silences your violent truths” of untrue and unloving narratives that you have told yourself based on trauma.
This is a love and appreciation that seems to effortlessly fill all the gaps you’ve felt in past relationships, like a breath of fresh air. The love you share goes beyond the superficial. You also go beyond loving them only when they are ‘behaving’, staying within your comfort zone, or when they are pleasing you or to you. When loved from a pure heart, relationships can be healing.
The art of sacred partnership is held by a mutual respect for the love you share that both parties want to protect and nurture even when they experience the not so flattering side of ourselves or the other. This love comes with honor and respect without expecting perfection or anything in return. While you may make mistakes and hurt one another, the intention is always to connect in love, in peace, in truth. It is impossible to forgive yourself and not forgive the other because in the Oneness you share, you see yourself in them, and they, in you. You have found a way to rise into a sacredness you both share and enjoy. The Hindu refers to the heart center as Anahata, which means unstruck, unhurt in Sanskrit. An open heart is pure and allows us to see the beauty and love around us. And from holding this heart posture with another, we have essentially deepened our relationship with ourselves, and with love itself that holds everything dear to us together in perfect harmony.
My sacred partnerships have made me realize just how powerful a force love is. Our hearts may have been hardened along the way, causing us to rather connect at a superficial level, yet when the frequency of sacred partnership is present, the purest of love has the power to melt the hardest of hearts – if we allow it. For example, the sacred partnership I have with my dog has molded me into a more patient, forgiving, easy-going, and present person, that I would not have become before he entered my life. I believe that he is in my life to soften me back into my feminine. The breakdown of a sacred partnership is first felt when this pureness, innocence, and integrity is compromised.
You are purpose partners who help each other become
Your sacred partners are connected to your purpose in some unique way. This relationship has a template and personality of its own. When you meet a sacred partner, it feels like you have met someone important and significant. Parties within a sacred partnership are a vibrational match and have the readiness to serve on a shared mission as purpose partners. They have complementary strengths and weaknesses. Oftentimes, What I lack, the other has, vice versa, or what you both lack you have the opportunity to heal and learn. The paradox of sacred partnership is that while there is little sacrifice of who you are, meeting your sacred partner transforms your life completely.
In living in your shared purpose as you find the reason for your meeting and consent in ways to co-create, you offer each other the grace to grow, learn, unlearn and be better in a reciprocal way. Committed to shared projects and initiatives at a core level, inspires us to challenge ourselves further in a sacred partnership, even when the going gets tough. The shared higher purpose between sacred partners has a life of its own in the connection, creating a strong bond as they venture together. When we go through doubts in the partnership, you lean on the guidance that is flowing between the two of you, that is beyond a self-centered romance between two lovers.
These are two people who have done a big chunk of their inner work and are ready to enjoy co-creating with each other from a place of intentionality, honor, and one love.
Sacred partners therefore transcend using people as means for their own ends, and honor the divine role the relationship can play in fulfilling purpose. The art of sacred partnership is intricately connected to the art of living a purposeful life.
You are mature enough to learn from each other
The art of sacred partnership is the fastest route for personal growth. Both parties carry a growth mindset and are open to learning from all life experiences. This is particular in the way they engage people they meet as opportunities for growth. Sacred partners value meaningful relationships on their self transformation journey. This partnership has the resilience and maturity to withstand the difficult patches of their relationship and take a realistic view that all of life goes through different seasons. Relationships are therefore not escapes from life’s stresses, but a big part of what makes life meaningful and rich.
Sacred partnership requires maturity and courage. Both parties are not quick to leave when the going gets tough because they are committed to growing together. Because they share a deep vulnerability, our sacred partners can see what we cannot see. They can reflect back your blind spots, that can create breakthroughs in your personal transformation journey. The safety that you create can be a space for a useful feedback loop.
To fully enjoy sacred partnership, we need to allow ourselves to be seen – this too takes courage. Our sacred partners inspire us to live in our highest purpose, they support us to stand in our power, and shine a loving light on where we can grow without judgment or ill intent.
Reimagining the rules of engagement
We are slowly learning that relationships as sacred paths are not about the romantic, physical, material, or surface levels of engaging with people. In fact, Some in her book argues that romantic love is an attraction that cuts off spirit and community, leaving two people to invent the relationship by themselves. The romance of sacred partnership reimagines the rules of engagements by raising the bar of how the self connects in community.
The four pillars have given us some idea on how to identify a partner that feels sacred to us. How then do we not only notice them, but make the best of the gift of sacred partnership when it knocks on our door? Most of us have had to go through traumatic paths with relationships that have hurt us, created chaos and confusion, instilled defense mechanisms, or gotten used to violence as a language. Our central nervous system is always on the edge and the art of sacred partnership requires new rules of engagement from us. These rule include but are not limited to;
- Holding yourself in high regard and worthiness as you relate with others.
- Being honest with yourself and the other about how you feel and what you want to experience in the relationship
- Having the courage to take an action step in co-creating a sacred space with a willing and available sacred partner
- Allowing ourselves to receive the goodness of the partnership and seeing ourselves as deserving
- Giving yourself permission to reimagine the relationship to suit you both
- Having authentic conversations and experiences that fulfill both of you
- Sharing of yourself with another and trusting the space you have co-created
- Carrying the inclination to deepen your connection as it finds opportunity to do so
- Seeing conflict as a welcomed gift to help you move forward, gain knowledge of yourselves, and learn new situations for using your gifts.
- Selfless giving and serving your partner, and avoiding negative codependency and manipulation
- Healing past traumas with this deep love, and not allowing triggers to overpower the connection
- Truly forgiving yourself and the other
- Being patient with each other as we ebb and flow
- The list is endless. What would you add?
Partners who are not ready for this kind of love sabotage the sacred potentiality in the connection. Sacred partnerships do not have to last forever for them to have been worthwhile, while may go beyond lifetimes. Because the connection has a life of its own, there is a need to also allow yourself to be led by the spirit of the connection. It also requires us to surrender and allow it to be what it is meant to be, including allowing it to end when the time has come.
Concluding remarks
The self transformation path of “New Year, New Me”includes the assessment of the people in your life and the relationships you keep. Are they raising you to connect on a higher frequency of love, peace, and joy, or are they keeping you stuck in the vibration of fear, blame, and guilt?
In this article, we have learnt that the initiation towards our new, better versions is connected to how we approach and handle our relationships, as pathways to our sacredness.
- All of life is sacred. Being able to relate on the vibration of sacred partnership is the highest form of honoring God in the other person, in yourself, and in all the things we deem worthy of respect.
- An integrated leader honors all relationships as useful to his or her growth. To nurture an ongoing sacred relationship with your inner child is to nurture the mother of all other sacred partnerships that you can have with others.
- You cannot give another person the honor, respect, regard, and grace that you have not given to yourself. It is just not sustainable because it is not authentic to your own energy field. Sacred partnerships are deepened as we deepen the relationships we have with ourselves.