Introduction

When I started the “New Year, New Me” series in January, I kinda didn’t know where I was going with it. At the core of what I felt called to do was to integrate some of the lessons I’ve learnt after coming out of a few months of being thrusted into deep inner work. I needed a place to organize my thoughts and be intentional about preparing for a new cycle for my transformation as the year 2024 began. My brain fart turned into quite an in-depth dive into my oasis once again… starting with the power of words and sound (if you haven’t yet, start this 3 part series with part one and two). 

In part one, we started with understanding the process of creation from a spiritual and scientific perspective where we learn how the world was and continues to be recreated through our intentional words, including the words we use as leaders as co-creators of our own reality. 

Part two looked at the role of sacred partnerships in our individual journey of transformation through the noble intentions in which we engage people and relationships in your life. All relationships are sacred and have the potential to help us grow in parts of ourselves that we cannot see (blindspots).

The “New Year, New Me” series concludes with part three by putting on to the stage the topic of our dark side and its role in leading us into a transcendental, wholesome, and transformed creations. The main takeaway from this post is that as we transform, even the unflattering parts of ourselves play a role in contributing to growth and the wholeness of who we are as we continue to develop as adults. Instead of pushing away the dark or shadow side of our personality, Psychologists suggest that it is of our benefit that we learn to look at, embrace, learn from, transmute, and integrate it into our more conscious selves. The path of developing as self leaders requires an integration of polarities – i.e. lightness and darkness, mediated by self love, compassion, and acceptance. 

From the darkness came light

“In the beginning God created heaven and earth. And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the water. And God said, “let there be light”, and there was light”

In the first article, we learn that during the process of creation – it was from the darkness that light, and everything else was created. While the darkness we refer to here is figurative to our shadow selves, it is important to first understand from this metaphor. From the beginning of creation on this planet, there was a dichotomy between light and darkness. Therefore it is not too far-fetched to believe that there is a dichotomy in us. 

Society teaches us what is deemed appropriate and inappropriate. As relational beings, we spend our lives trying to fit in by doing what is appropriate to avoid being casted out of society. We are often unaware of this conditioning, yet it starts as early as in our childhood. When we go against the grain (whether intentionally or by human error), we are usually punished, condemned, or judged. The cancel culture is a prime example of this phenomenon. What is concerning about canceling people is that there is an inherent dark or shadow side to all of us. This is the side of us that we do not want to see or even acknowledge that it exists, yet it is a part of us, a very useful part, from which a new creation can be birthed. The ancient Greeks and Egyptians understood the need to honor all parts of the psyche. For them, these unflattering parts were worshiped as autonomous gods and goddesses.

When we acknowledge the fullness of who we are, especially our dark side, we are able to understand it better and find it more useful for it to serve us. This healing and developmental process is called transmutation, integration, or assimilation. Jungian psychologists suggest that when you have control over your shadow/dark side, you can be more aware and can choose not to act in a destructive way. Peterson, a Canadian Psychologist further argues that the true mark of morality is when a person is aware of their destructive ways, and chooses not to be destructive. It is when you are unconscious of your dark side that you can find it overpowering you. We can be better leaders when we accept that we can sometimes hold negative human emotions and impulses like rage, envy, greed, selfishness, desire, and the strive for power. And once we accept them, we can go through the process of transmutation. In this case, our dark side therefore acts as a fertilizer (and it’s organic, if I might add) to contribute to the creation of a new you. The highest goal of self transformation then becomes about wholeness, and not perfection.

Unpacking the shadow, your dark side and ego development

“Unfortunately there can be no doubt that man is, on the whole, less good than he imagines himself or wants to be. Everyone carries a shadow, and the less it is embodied in the individual’s conscious life, the blacker and denser it is.”

I’ve only come to truly appreciate the depth of Carl Jung 14 years into my career as a work psychologist. Yes, I fell in love with a guy who loved Jung and he often says to me, “You’re more Jungian than you think” when I start sharing my wild, eye-opening ideas that come from the integration of dreams, spirituality, iSintu, philosophy and psychology. This made me go deeper into Jung – another way in which sacred partners contribute to our development- but that was a point in the previous article, I digress. Jung was one of the first psychologists who shone a light on ‘the shadow’. The psyche — the center of our thoughts and feelings — is composed of the ego, persona, shadow, anima, and animus. See the diagram below:

We show our persona to the outer world, wearing various masks in the hopes that we will be accepted by society. The Shadow is the “you” that you do your best to hide from the world. Everything we deny in ourselves—whatever we perceive as inferior, evil, or unacceptable becomes part of the shadow. This ‘darker’ side of us encompasses a range of concealed elements, such as aggressive impulses, unconscious desires – some sexual, inferior traits, personal vulnerabilities that are not openly recognized, unconscious motivations, repressed thoughts and emotions, and projections to name a few. This becomes the part of you that you disown and remains unexamined and repressed. The animus is the unconscious masculine side of a woman, and the anima as the unconscious feminine side of a man. Both pointing to our whole selves whether male or female including both feminine and masculine sides that we also need to welcome, understand better and integrate. 

The path to continue developing ourselves as adults is in healing and integrating these fragmented parts of ourselves. The stories we tell ourselves are sometimes not true, and can stem from an unawakened, unconscious place. Yes, we are ‘good’ people, who can also have the capacity to do ‘bad’ things. It is part of our developmental path to then understand for ourselves, what human conditions trigger us to act from this place of unconsciousness. The question of morality and being a good leader under the guide of society is tricky business. Even one of the holy books states “Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth” (Matthew 5), suggesting that what is of appropriate character is to be submissive or yielding. Jordan Peterson is a well-known Canadian psychology lecturer, he corrects this misunderstood passage in the bible by going back to its original translation from Greek. The English word ‘meek’ comes from the Greek ‘praus’ – which actually refers to the use of strength in a controlled manner. Thus it is noteworthy to correct this misconception, again suggesting that it is important to use our power, we just need to use it as conscious leaders and co-creators. There is a big difference in the exercise of power from a place of oppressing another, as opposed to a place of empowering the other. When brought into the light and healed, our dark side can be useful in many ways. For example, we can learn to transmute our aggression to defend and stand up for ourselves. Or learn empathy (i.e. to put yourself in another person’s shoes), through transmuting horrific thoughts. For example, the most interesting detectives or investigators in movies tend to be the ones who can think like the criminal. In this way, they are accessing the dark side of themselves to understand what this person is likely to do (eg. Hannibal). Some of us can feel uncomfortable watching this, because they then blur the lines of what society deems as good and bad. 

Ego development as an adult is an ongoing journey of integrating our polarities, and our forgotten childhood selves. This requires bigger minds and hearts to hold space for more of who we are and can be. A man who has integrated his inner feminine side can be more nurturing and sensitive; a person who integrates their shadow self into the light can lead to greater presence, creativity and awareness; and at a broader level – making the unconscious conscious can lead us to more conscious, responsible and transcendent leadership. This is the positive path of ego development.

The dangers of “Light and love”: Purplewashing and Toxic Positivity

“Filling the conscious mind with ideal conceptions is a characteristic of Western theosophy, but not the confrontation with the shadow and the world of darkness. One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious. The latter procedure, however, is disagreeable and therefore not popular.”

In our attempt to maintain our self concept as only good and perfect, our brain goes through multiple gymnastics such as purplewashing or toxic positivity. “Purplewashing is the tendency to gloss over, repress, or deny uncomfortable emotions, usually by “spiritualising” the situation or by ‘being nice’ about it”. This is similar to greenwashing – when companies advertise themselves as being environmentally friendly but do not take the measures to actually make a difference to climate change and the like.  In a blog on InnerSelf,  Mckusick further elaborates;

Purplewashers skip anger and go right to forgiveness; they skip jealousy and go right to feeling happy for people; they push aside frustration and smile. They tend to label certain emotions as “bad” and unacceptable, and therefore fail to acknowledge them when they arise in the body. I use the color purple because purple is the color of spiritualism, or the higher realms of thinking and being [from the crown chakra].

Similarly, toxic positivity is a dysfunctional emotional management strategy which involves avoiding, suppressing, or rejecting negative emotions or experiences. Purplewashing and toxic positivity are the pillars of the “love and light” movement. While this movement is not altogether bad, it is an incomplete experience of the human condition.  

I know these tendencies very well. I’ve had my own share of being blinded by the ‘light and love’ movement, and had huge issues with acknowledging my negative emotions. I struggled to allow myself to be angry, disappointed, wrong, or jealous. Putting early societal conditioning aside, I am also the first born in my family, and had unintentionally put huge expectations of perfection on myself. Furthermore, as Dr. Joy, the award-winning psychologist, business healer and coach – there is an unsaid expectation to always have the answers, not show any unpleasant emotions or ‘low vibes’, and to be perfect in your craft. This is the same for other leaders, managers, consultants, priests, celebrities and  ‘experts’ in generalwho have somewhat been dehumanised because of the positions of authority they have in society. After the last 4 years focused on my inner development, I am realizing that this expectation is too heavy for me to carry…

Mckusick further states that when an emotion goes unexpressed or unrecognized, the body does not digest or recycle it, it stores it, or as Pert says; “Emotions buried alive never die.” ( From Molecules of Emotion: The Science Behind Mind-Body Medicine]. Sometimes the dread of Sunday night is aggravated by the expectation to be positive at all times at work, when sometimes you are really frustrated, tired, burnt out, or stressed out.

I’ve slowly started to manage this as a facilitator by using the ‘checking in’  and ‘checking out’ method as a safe space for me to model this authenticity; saying I don’t know – but I am sure there is wisdom in this room, to questions I don’t know the answers to; or calling out hard truths that stand in the way of us leading better with some empathy, even when it makes the energy in the room uncomfortable. As I embrace these unflattering parts of me too, I find myself less triggered by prejudice leaders, because I know my own capacity for prejudice. I am less triggered by clueless leaders that put on a front, because I know my own capacity of fronting when I don’t know. I am more welcoming of challengers in the room because I know how much of a critic I can also be. In fact, I am interested in diving into a recently published book by Saar where challengers and their teams are required in this dynamically changing world of business. The book shares the usefulness of challenger practice innovative forms of ecosystem building to solve meaningful challenges and unlock new opportunities. This does not make prejudice, cluelessness and fronting, or being critical is always right, but the acknowledgement of them also being in us, just makes us more human and is the first step in turning them into a strength.

As we ‘innerstand’ our shadow selves, we make room to feel the entire spectrum of our thoughts and feelings in a healthier way. Even if the work begins in our own safe spaces, it is useful to us to feel all our feelings, journal them, have more conscious conversation with our (shadow) selves, and if we need help, talk about it in spaces like therapy and coaching. Instead of purplewashing everything, learning to restore the love for these fragmented parts of the selves can lead to transcendence, not just for ourselves but also in the spaces we influence, and the type of contribution we aim to make. If we don’t, the emotions or thoughts that we push under the carpet and ignore tend to fester in other ways, such as projecting, self sabotage, defensiveness, inappropriate humor, subtle prejudices, unexplained phobias, repetitive unhealthy relationship patterns, dreams and nightmares, to mention a few. You may not believe this one, and I cannot believe I am even sharing it with you, but the last time I repressed about 10 years of rage, with an ‘everything is fine’ mentality, in 6 months I ended up electrocuting and burning 2 iPhones, a MacBook, my TV, stove, microwave, my friends plug point, and my mother’s home electric system just by touching these things with my hands. It was a crazy, wild time and I learnt in a wicked way that we are truly energetic beings – but if someone has a logical explanation for this, please comment below.

Shadow work and leader development 

“A man who is unconscious of himself acts in a blind, instinctive way and is in addition fooled by all the illusions that arise when he sees everything that he is not conscious of in himself coming to meet him from outside as projections upon his neighbor.” 

There is no general technique for assimilating the shadow. It is always an individual matter that requires us to first, accept the existence of our shadow self, and secondly, to become aware of its intentions and quality (Sharp, 2020). We all at times can find ourselves acting out of impulse, or going to a very dark place with our thoughts. Jung stressed that the goal of improving the self should lean towards wholesomeness, and not perfection. This is particularly true when we find ourselves in positions of power. For a mild example, I find myself very edgy and short with my dog, Zulu when I am stressed or angry (at something else and have not expressed it). I find myself raising my voice and hand at Zulu – out of impulse. This side of me scared the s*** out of me as I see my dog squirm – I had to pause, am I a horrible person who abuses dogs?. Peterson notes that it can be terrifying to realize that the shadow is in you, to realize that you are capable of unthinkable acts. This is a fundamental part of our human nature that we as a humanity need to see in order to further develop.

Shadow work is nothing close to a “high vibe” like living in light and love is. The goal of shadow work is to harmonize the opposites and move toward wholeness. It is a hard and long journey, but it is worth it, for people who want to improve their leadership skills while experiencing the joy of holistic well-being. Integrating your shadow means integrating your aggression, your inappropriate desires, your proclivity to do horrible things, and other “dark” aspects of yourself, into your personality in a healthy and useful manner. Leaders who engage in shadow work are able to have clearer perception, improved relationships, the ability to stop projecting and unchecked aggression, and experience true moral independence (outside of what society thinks) – leading to greater psychological wholeness.

Paying attention to how our dark side reveals itself

“I’d rather be whole, than good”

The catastrophic problem is that the shadow can operate largely independently, without our full awareness.“[We] tend to take pride in who we are, and [perhaps] that is a bad idea because that [solid concept of self] stops us from becoming who we could be”. Jung believes that our true potential lies in the shadow. Our identity is layered. Someone can show gifts in one area of life while remaining unaware of deceitful behaviours in other areas. Sometimes we also clothe ourselves with moral personas and say the right things, even when our behaviours do not align. And at times this comes from traumatic past experiences that have made us see certain behaviours as ‘evil’ and therefore do not want any association with it. For example if your father was negligent, we may go to the other side of that continuum and decide very early on that “I am not and will never be a negligent person”. Any slight behaviours of our negligence will then be swept under the carpet and become unexamined. So the next logical question is: If the shadow is so unconscious, how can we then know when we are operating from our dark side? Here is a short guide from HighExistence:

• Pointing out one’s own insecurities as flaws in another
• A quick temper with people in subordinate positions of power 
• A willingness to step on others to achieve one’s own ends
• Frequently playing the victim in every situation 
• Having a messiah complex for saving and enlightening others
• Operating from unacknowledged biases and prejudices
• A tendency to harshly judge others, especially if that judgment comes on an impulse.

Integrating our darkness: The art of sacred neutrality

“The shadow is a moral problem that challenges the whole ego-personality, for no one can become conscious of the shadow without considerable moral effort”

There is no one-size-fits-all in the inner work of integrating our darkness. A useful practice I am learning this year is the practice of sacred neutrality, which is about cultivating a peaceful, non-reactive state while allowing emotional, mental, and spiritual data to arise, but not turning into a saga. This allows a neutral compassion to flow into us and offer a steady unified field of love. In this practice there is no space for self-judgment, self-criticism, blame, shame, or guilt (as that is what caused the fragmentation of self in the first place). Instead, the work is to hold and witness whatever unfolds with a kind and generous neutrality. The art of sacred neutrality then forms the foundation for other techniques such as the following six:

• One radical way is to not over identify with being ‘good’/ our ‘light’ – it can be blinding, and sometimes be at the expense of being able to mine the gold in our dark side.
• Learn to ground yourself and breathe deeply –  You want to be in a calm, clear, neutral space (this simple practice has saved me many times)
• Peterson suggests reading history and imagining ourselves in the villain role – such as envisioning ourselves as guards at Auschwitz.  Ask yourself “What would it take for me to behave in that way in those circumstances?”
• Developing self awareness and being courageously honest with yourself – i.e. journalling our true thoughts and feelings in a coherent narrative can be useful. Sometimes the feelings just need acknowledgement. 
• Cultivate self compassion – you are unlearning years of conditioning, and a personality you have crafted for years, of course this is not easy. Have compassion for the times you get it wrong, you repeat your mistakes, or when you overdo shadow work. It’s a marathon, not a sprint.
• Get some professional help – speaking with a therapist or coach has undeniable benefits as well – speaking with someone in a professional capacity, can lead to you having a more integrated personality and an expansive toolkit to deal with our shadow.

Concluding remarks

• An honest confrontation with our shadow self is a harrowing, but healthy thing for ongoing ego development and leadership development.
• As we do our shadow work, we become more compassionate with the darkness in others too. This is the bedrock of post-heroic leadership – which teaches us to lead in a way that is inclusive, shared, distributed, collaborative, and more conscious. When we create safety to face these scary parts of ourselves, we as leaders can better create psychological safety for others. 
• Radical transformation of the self, cannot happen without the radical acceptance of all that we are, including our shadow. 

“There is no light without shadow and no [] wholeness without imperfection.”

About In the Oasis Blog

In the Oasis is a Leader Wellness blog dedicated to calibrating life, work, and leading through the lens of our Founder, Work Psychologist and Business Healer, Dr. Joy Ntetha. The blog dives into the journey of transcendental leadership and navigates the complexities of achieving inner development goals. 

References

Jordan Peterson Joe Rogan – Understanding Your Shadow(Carl Jung) posted to YouTube by One Question on 10.29.17

Jordan Peterson: Why and How to Integrate Your Shadow posted to YouTube by PhilosophyInsights on 7.18.18

ACCEPTING YOUR SHADOW SIDE – Alan Watts celebrates Carl Jung posted to YouTube by Paul Siddall on 6.29.17

How to integrate your shadow – Jordan Peterson posted to YouTube by Rebel Wisdom on 9.26.17

“Jung: A Very Short Introduction,” Anthony Stevens, Oxford University Press, 1994